dream of leaving

I want to run.

Suddenly, I find myself feeling crushed under the weight of a strong and compelling desire to just pack a few bags of clothes and necessities and just leave.

Seattle, LA, North Carolina. I don't care where I go, as long as I go. And I want to badly to go alone. I want to experience the comforting silence of absent voices and low rumble of my tires on the pavement.

I don't want a plan. I want to figure it all out as I go. I want to stop at cute little roadside diners and eat pancakes for dinner.

I need air. This confined feeling is deafening.

It's always something. School, his job, an empty bank account. It keeps me stuck in this awful routine. I just want to go, go, go.

No next step. No confines. Just whatever I dream up next.

Run for the sake of running.

(pic: http://www.flickr.com/photos/furiousgeorge81/254462012/)

yes, no, maybe so...

I've been on a rollercoaster ride the past few days, so let's take a moment to see what I mean...

Monday: Senior seminar class goes around the classroom introducing ourselves and saying what we plan to do after graduation. Concensus: no one has a friggin' clue what they will do, if they will be able to get a job, or even if they like their major anymore. People with internships admit to seeing a side of their career they didn't really think about before and now it's tainted. This leads me recognize that, yes, finding a job is going to be a bitch. Professor then talks about his journey to discovering he wanted to be an environmental writer. I start thinking that maybe I should go back to school for nutrition and do something with that and writing or advertising. Hmmm...

Tuesday: Wake up at 6am to get ready for the internship. It snowed and of course traffic was all jacked up so I was in the car for nearly an hour and a half to get to work. Work on a few projects left over from last week and finish them way before my "hand off" with my supervisor. Turn on my radio to help distract me so that my projects take me longer. Later in the day need to go out of my way to ask for more work so that I don't lose my mind. While dealing with my boredom, realize that the working world is totally not what I thought it'd be and can't imagine doing this five days a week. Freak out and start texting a friend about how I seriously don't want to graduate and get a job if it means I have to do this day in and day out.

Wednesday: Notice my shrinking bank account and freak out. Big time. So much for being able to afford the new laptop that I desperately need. Shit. Start adding in my head how much I'm spending in gas to get to my (unpaid) internship and school, then figure how much I will make by only working two days a week at my other job. Realize that the money I make will barely cover my gas. Freak out more. Start filling out an application for Wal-Mart and start thinking that I really need to graduate - and soon - so that I can start making real money. Exactly opposite from what I was hoping for on Tuesday. Jeez.

Yeah, I don't really know what to think about that either.

Classroom Therapy

I'm taking a senior seminar course this semester in order to complete requirements within the Journalism and Mass Communication department at my college. We took time at the beginning of the class period to go around and say a little bit about ourselves, like our track within the department and what we want to do after graduation.

I was not expecting this to be like a therapy session, but everyone took this as an opportunity to be really honest, and it was both refreshing and scary.

• "I have no idea what I want to do after graduation."
• "I just want a job! I don't really care what it is as long as it pays."
• "I'm doing Broadcast, and I just started an internship at a local TV station. I hate it!"
• "My internship showed me that this might not actually be what I want to do."
• "Hopefully I find a job after graduation. I will have to go back to school if I don't."
• "I'm really worried I won't be able to find a job."
• "I don't even like this major anymore, but I just want to graduate!"

These were the types of comments I heard as we circled the classroom. I'm also worried that finding a job is going to be quite the challenge, so it was comforting in a way to hear that I wasn't alone. I was, however, discouraged to hear so many people unhappy with their major.

Our professor took this as an opportunity to tell his story about finding his passions and making a career out of it. He was a college student and nearly dropped out, then started doing environmental work and paired that with his passion for writing.

I started to think that maybe if things don't work out right away for me, I can always go back to school (even though I'm not fond of that idea) and get a degree in nutrition, then pair my writing experience with my passion for health. Who knows.

who knew pencils were so exciting?

I survived my first day as an intern, everyone! I didn't make a fool of myself, get lost, or screw anything up. So basically, it was a success! I have my very own desk in a row of cubicles, my very own computer, and my very own legal pads. Oddly enough, I am missing a garbage can, but I plan to steal one soon.

Anyway, I opened my desk draw yesterday in hopes of finding a working pen, and holy plethora of office supplies! Pens and rubber bands and paper clips galore! It was at this moment of seeing a seemingly infinite supply of office goodies that I knew I was an intern.

I've already purchased a potential graduation dress and may have even started a small post-graduation job search. What can I say, I'm ready for this semester to be over already. I'm having a hard time adjusting to waking up early and I'm already bored with my classes. Oh well, I'll be regret saying that as soon as my homework starts piling up.

I'm on a Glamour blog!

http://www.glamour.com/weddings/blogs/save-the-date/2010/01/almost-engaged-girls-do-you-tr.html

not wanting what I want, or something like that

My internship starts Tuesday. Uh, less than a week from now. And on Monday, I start my last semester of college. Very, very excited about the last semester of college. It feels so good.

I've been totally looking forward to growing up. Finally being done with college and moving on with my life. Having structure. Working 9-5. Wearing business clothes. Spending my day in a cubicle.

And it's all hitting me right now that I'm going to be waking up at the butt-crack of dawn every day. And wearing painful (yet cute) heels. And being an unpaid intern, then searching for my big kid job. And this life means no more Tune-In Tuesdays (new movies release on Tuesdays so my BF or his friends will buy one and we watch it together after the BF gets done with work at 10pm). No more going out on Sunday nights. No more staying up til 2am having a How I Met Your Mother marathon of sorts.

Because after this semester, it's the real world, baby. No going back.

It's funny, because I was absolutely dying for the day to come when I'd be a real adult, and now I'm thinking, "Holy shit, my days of being a silly young adult are over really fast." Ugh, I'm probably just nervous and stressed, but it amazes me how I wanted something so badly, and now that it's staring me in the face, I'm freaking out. Jeez, what's my deal?

Time to take a deep breath. Learning to wake up early is going to suck. I'm sooo not a morning person. Hello, giant cup of coffee. And secretly, I'm really excited to wear dress clothes twice a week. So there will be no more Tuesday movie night and no more going out Sunday night. But this is me moving on with my life, and I should be really proud of myself for having gotten this internship and for wanting to be successful.

So yeah. Prepare yourself for upcoming blogs about my addiction to coffee and anger towards sexy yet uncomfortable heels. :)

(photo from here)

the plan

If you don't know where you're going, how are you going to get there?

As I've mentioned before, I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. I've also been lacking a bit in the inspiration department. It's a strange combination, really, because I've been stuck in their weird thoughtful/depressed/out-of-focus/introspective mode for the past few days. And during this mode, I've sorted out a sort of guide for what I would like to happen in the future.

* Begin my internship in just over a week and kick ass at it. Create lots of wonderful pieces to add to my portfolio.

* Start looking for my big kid job near the end of March. Show Milwaukee agencies why I would be awesome.

*Happily graduate on May 16, 2010. Hooray! Hello, life beyond lecture halls and textbooks.

* Work at my first real job for at least one year and continue to improve my skills and build upon my portfolio.

* While working and finally making more than minimum wage, save money and refine my budgeting skills. Learn to say "no" to even great deals! Financial health will be a priority.

* After at least one whole year at my first job, take the next step in my career. Perhaps it will be time to move to a big city - Chicago, LA?

* Buy a house! Ah, to be a homeowner. I am definitely looking forward to finding the perfect first place.

* Continue to grow in my career and make my way up the ladder. Someday a creative director, perhaps? Be driven by passion, not money.

So what am I doing right here, right now? Putting a freeze on my spending, doing well in my classes, and preparing to knock their socks off at my internship. I'm also looking to begin a bit of a personal reform: being healthier. This means the health of my finances, eating right, maybe exercising, and maintaining a positive attitude, no matter how hard it can seem sometimes.