Wednesday, October 7, 2009

my distorted image of beauty

(photo from Glamour)

There’s been a lot of talk lately about supermodels not needing to be superthin to be beautiful. Glamour has decided to include all sorts of body types in its pages. Women all over the world are excited about this new phenomena and are recreating what it means to be beautiful.

Okay, I am about to be completely honest in the worst way possible. I swear I am making a point, and it’s not to offend people.

I am not excited about this “big is beautiful” perspective. I saw the picture of Lizzie Miller in the September issue of Glamour, and my first thought was, “Why would she do that? Why would she want everyone to see her roll? That’s gross.” I realize that these thoughts are wrong, wrong, wrong. But I can’t seem to keep myself from thinking them.

Is it true what they say about girls reading too many magazines and creating unrealistic expectations about their body? I’ve read about that and I’ve always blown it off as psychological mumbo-jumbo. The media can’t really affect a person that deeply, can it? I’m starting to realize that I might be exactly that young woman who now thinks that only thin women are beautiful because of the images she’s been exposed to.

Back in middle school and my first year of high school, I made it a secret goal of mine to not weigh over 99 pounds. I wouldn’t eat breakfast by telling my mom I wasn’t hungry in the morning. I’d take my bag lunch to school, maybe eat the piece of fruit or a few pretzels if anything at all, and throw the rest away. Dinner came around, and I’d push things around on my plate to make it look like I ate more than I did.

This routine became exhausting, and I decided that it had to stop. So my sophomore or junior year, I started eating like a normal person and gained quite a bit of weight which I am reminded of by the white and purple stretch marks that cover my inner thighs. However, I was never a big girl. I’ve always been petite and vow to never let that change. Being thin is surprisingly important to me.

I’d like to say that the obsessive thoughts about my appearance have left me as I’ve matured, but that isn’t true. I’m currently begging my boyfriend to split the cost of a new exercise bike so that I can lose the bit of pudge that’s made its way to my tummy. I constantly think to myself, “Should I be eating that? It’s going to go straight to my tummy.” There’s nothing wrong with being healthy or wanting to exercise, I get that, but when my main goal is to lose that bit of pudge, it’s for all the wrong reasons.

My hope is that when these normal size women start entering the pages of magazines or walk the runway, my irrational thinking will start to fade. I know deep down that this thinking of mine is bad, so I am hopeful that being exposed to other types of women will give me a more realistic perspective about women’s bodies – and my own.

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