thinking ahead

I've been spending an awful lot of time in my own head these past few days. It's a dangerous thing, really. Thinking too much about too much leads to overload and breakdown. No breakdown yet though, but overload for sure.

I haven't spent this much time thinking silently since I left my college in Iowa. Yeeks.

See, the thing is, I see how my life is right now, and I feel okay about it. It's not perfect, but I'd never expect it to be. But thinking about now leads to thinking about the future and I get caught up in the "what if?" game. And that game is no fun.

I want to live happily ever after, even though I know that's unrealistic. Many peoples' lives never turn out the way they thought they would. But I want to be sure that I don't find myself twenty years from now grumpy and wishing I had done things differently.

Where's that crystal ball when I need it?

Sure, I don't want to know exactly how my life turns out, but I want to be sure that I won't regret the decisions I'm making now, later.

I want to be happy.

If that means I have to draw some lines and admit some hard-to-admit things, then that's what I think needs to happen. I can't be in denial about my life. I need to be honest with myself and say, "This is the way I want things to be to ensure that I am happy in the future."

Here's what I want:

1. House.

2. Successful career.

3. Happy, healthy husband.

4. Stability.

5. Love.

And you know what? I'm going to have those things, no matter what.