the ghost of friendships past

I've known this for awhile, but I've been fighting acceptance. Ever since I left my college in Iowa, I haven't really had a best friend. And I don't want to sound all "middle school BFFs with matching BFF necklaces (you know, the broken heart ones that pieced together)", but I can't keep denying that there's something missing.

Please don't get me wrong, I love the Boyfriend to death and I tell him everything. But there's just something about a best girl friend that makes you spill your guts about whatever she already knows you're thinking about. I miss having that.

What kills me the most is I used to have friendships like this. Really intensely tight bonds.

My friend from my college in Iowa: we were freshman roomies and even though we couldn't have possibly been more opposite, we loved each other. She still had a childlike bond with Barbies and wore skirts practically every day. She had hatboxes filled with scrapbooking materials and loved to listen to Frank Sinatra. I, on the other hand, has big issues dealing with being a college girl and did a lot of the wrong things. But she stood by me though everything, even when she knew I was leaving her for a new school and a new guy. My fondest memory was taking our shoes off and running as fast as we could in our flowy skirts across the grassy quad. I miss that girl.

Eek, I feel like I'm talking about her as if she was dead. I haven't spoken with her in months. We still have a bond, I can tell you that, and I'm dying to go see her and our other friends at that little Iowa school soon. But things changed dramatically when I left, and it sucks. But it's like since I've moved away, I've fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't been able to make another good friend like her since.

Even in high school and I can name two girls from other schools who I absolutely adored.

The first was a fiery young woman with an attitude like none other. This girl seriously did not give a crap what others though of her, and she was successful because of that. She hooked me up with my very first love. We were so similar, it was frightening. She was there for me when my first love decided I was no longer good enough. She helped me deal with the worst heartbreak I've ever known. And then one day, after going on a date with a new guy, she decided to cheat on her boyfriend with my new fling and tried to keep it a secret. That didn't sit well with me, and I couldn't forgive her. Over a year later, we tried to patch things up and move on as friends, but it didn't work out.

After this friendship tragedy, I found a new friend, and we hit it off just fine. She also brought out my wild side, but we were always smart about our bad choices (well, as safe as bad choices can be). She was a year older than me, but her going very, very far away to college didn't hurt us much at all. We talked at least once a day for at least 20 minutes which made it feel like we were still living our lives side by side. Her life became very complicated when she became a mistress with a guy who didn't deserve her, especially not in those circumstances. She tried to understand, I know she did, but I got tired of trying to convince her of the right things. I stuck by her for an exhaustingly long time, but couldn't help her see straight. So I let her go, and she couldn't forgive me for that. We haven't spoken a single utterance to each other since.

If you can't see it for yourself, I have a devastating pattern in my life. I make these intensely tight friendships with these women and then things crash and burn. Regardless of their unfortunate endings, I still feel like these friendships have been important and have created lasting memories and lessons for me. And I miss that terribly.

I miss having a friend to cry to or laugh with. I miss bitching about PMS with someone who actually knows about it firsthand (sorry, boyfriend). I want a friend who calls me daily to just chat or get coffee or sit around doing nothing. I want that crazy bond where she knows what I'm thinking before I say anything. I'm not talking about the friend who, yeah, is there for you but doesn't call or want to hang out. I'm not talking about the once-in-a-while kind of friend. I want someone who's really there.

Do you have these kinds of friends or are really close girl friends something we women grow out of as we grow up?

(picture from here)