yes, no, maybe so...

I've been on a rollercoaster ride the past few days, so let's take a moment to see what I mean...

Monday: Senior seminar class goes around the classroom introducing ourselves and saying what we plan to do after graduation. Concensus: no one has a friggin' clue what they will do, if they will be able to get a job, or even if they like their major anymore. People with internships admit to seeing a side of their career they didn't really think about before and now it's tainted. This leads me recognize that, yes, finding a job is going to be a bitch. Professor then talks about his journey to discovering he wanted to be an environmental writer. I start thinking that maybe I should go back to school for nutrition and do something with that and writing or advertising. Hmmm...

Tuesday: Wake up at 6am to get ready for the internship. It snowed and of course traffic was all jacked up so I was in the car for nearly an hour and a half to get to work. Work on a few projects left over from last week and finish them way before my "hand off" with my supervisor. Turn on my radio to help distract me so that my projects take me longer. Later in the day need to go out of my way to ask for more work so that I don't lose my mind. While dealing with my boredom, realize that the working world is totally not what I thought it'd be and can't imagine doing this five days a week. Freak out and start texting a friend about how I seriously don't want to graduate and get a job if it means I have to do this day in and day out.

Wednesday: Notice my shrinking bank account and freak out. Big time. So much for being able to afford the new laptop that I desperately need. Shit. Start adding in my head how much I'm spending in gas to get to my (unpaid) internship and school, then figure how much I will make by only working two days a week at my other job. Realize that the money I make will barely cover my gas. Freak out more. Start filling out an application for Wal-Mart and start thinking that I really need to graduate - and soon - so that I can start making real money. Exactly opposite from what I was hoping for on Tuesday. Jeez.

Yeah, I don't really know what to think about that either.

planting seeds for my money tree

I woke up this morning already having a case of the "blahs"... and then I check my bank account. FML. Where's my money tree?

Let me explain how I got to this sad, sad point. I've never been much of a saver. I suck at budgeting myself and I "nickel and dime myslef to death", as my mother says. I'm a sucker for a bargain. However, after the credit card bills got bigger, I realized that my poor habits needed to stop. And I got better at managing my money. Well, a bit better.

Do you all remember my food court job at the wholesale store? I quit because I was being completely unappreciated and was diminished to tears by an evil manager. I quit without much in savings and without another job to go to. Not smart, I know that, but it needed to be done. So that's when I started pinching pennies. This happened in the beginning of June.

After a few weeks of searching, I found a job at a boutique and was all excited about finally working in fashion. Less than two weeks later, I got a phone call saying I was fired. I had never been fired before, so I took this pretty hard. My boss was nuts, to say the least, but regardless of her irrational behavior, I was without a job. Again. I started searching for change in the couch cushions.

I was luckily able to pick up a few hours at the salon I had previously worked at, but that wasn't without its own drama. The small checks I got from working a few hours here and there were barely enough to keep me going, and I thank God for my wonderful Boyfriend who has paid for practically everything since this chaos started.

Finally, I have found a job as an employee at an electronics retail store, and it is going well. The first check I got was small, as was to be expected. But I'm hoping my check on Friday blesses me with some dough to get me by. Also, I'm dying to hear back from two paid internships that I applied for. Cross your fingers for me!

Moral of my Story...

1. Have enough in savings to get you by when times get rough.

2. Learn how to budget yourself and kick those bad habits.

I'm definitely working on #2 right now, and I'd love your advice.

What do you do to save money?

(money tree found here)

quickly catching up: jail and a million bucks

1. I learned from Glamour magazine today that if a woman earns $50,000 and wants to continue living the kind of life she leads after she retires, she would have to have ONE MILLION DOLLARS saved up to do that. Holy crap.

2. I did indeed sew. I almost smashed the stupid little purple sewing machine, but I did sew. It's a skirt, and it isn't terrible. Not good, but I think I did well considering I've never sewed before. And it has a zipper and pockets and everything (pockets, well, because I love, love, love skirts that are fully equipt with pockets). Next project: a tote bag.

3. Last night I had a dream that I had to go to jail, and so I slapped an ex boyfriend and was worried about being bored while doing my time. I looked up "jail" in my dream dictionary and it said loads of bad luck was ahead... are we freaking kidding me?!

4. Today, whilst reading my magazine and pondering the vast amount of junk food I've been consuming lately, I thought about how I once dreamed of being a nutritionist. And I thought, hey, maybe I should do that for a living! My logical side did kick in and said they don't make much money and it would probably be hard for me to find a job, especially not in a big city... but I still kinda like the idea. I even printed off the certificate requirements for the school I'm currently attending. Maybe this is a fleeting interest, maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see...

5. Tomorrow I have a Second interview with a local electronics retailer (that I hear pays pretty well!). So wish me luck. I really am praying that I get a job here pretty soon because being broke is just not a good look on me. I tend to cry a lot and the Boyfriend doesn't like that so much. So yeah. Wish me luck, dudes and dudettes!

lame, I tell you, lame.

I feel guilty for being so poor.

And when I feel bad about something,

my first instinct is to shop.

Buy something to make me feel better.

But I can't. I'm broke.

The Boyfriend has to pay the rent.

And so I feel guilty for his burden.

But I have no job.

School is making finding a job hard.

So I'm stuck.

In a rut.

And I cry about my guilt,

and about my inability to buy,

and about my depressing state.

I bury myself deeper in this hole

of self-loathing and pity.

It's sad, really.

I don't know where I want my life to go.

Hell, I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

And this state of being

so confused, lost, and sad

is just killing me.

So now what?

Eat ramen, hate school,

desperately seek job.

Lame, ain't it?