what's done is done

It's raining today, very heavily in fact. And who couldn't find an umbrella before she left? Me. And who didn't think to wear a clothing item with a hood? Me.

I tried to look cute today since I've decided there's a direct correlation between how I look and how I feel. Gladiator sandals, leggings, and a little long-sleeved dress. Not a bad look, really, but the weather is making me sad, cold, and wet. No good, my friends.

I arrived on campus early today after getting lunch with my mom. I headed straight for the library and was grateful that the rain was letting up. I checked me e-mail, and there it was:

An e-letter from one of the internships I applied for. The one I really, really wanted. The one that was going to pay really well and be damn good experience. I opened the file and read through the very short letter.

I didn't get it.

Ugh, I could just curl up in a ball and die. I am very upset that I wasn't chosen, and I'm also a little angry that they didn't have the decency to call me and tell me themselves. Whatever, I guess. What's done is done.

So there you have it:

Crappy weather.

Crappy day.

(photo from here)

anything helps

On my way to school today, I saw three homeless men standing on the side of the street, clutching cardboard signs asking for anything drivers had to offer. At first I only saw one man, scruffy beard and dirty skin, wearing old camouflaged hunting attire and a matching cap. His sign read, "Hungry and needin' soap. Anything helps." When I saw his face and the sad, disheartened expression on it, I had to look away.

The light turned green and I drove around the corner, passing another young man leaning up against the traffic light pole, also holding a cardboard sign out for people to see. Soon I was stopped at another red light, only to see the third young man pacing in the median. In one hand was his sign: "Traveling and hungry, anything helps." In the other hand he held a leash tightly, a scrawny puppy pulling at the other end. He wore a worn-out leather jacket, and I could see two neck tattoos peeking out above his collar. Someone two cars in front of me reached out a hand with some money, and he hurried over to the vehicle to retrieve it, head bowed perhaps in shame or embarrassment. My heart sunk to see the emptiness in his eyes, and again I turned away because it was too hard to watch him stand there and plead for help.

I wanted to do something, really I did. A few dollars were inches away from me in my wallet, but I never reached for them. I was scared and felt ashamed for them. It broke my heart to see them all standing there hoping that someone would reach out their hand to help them, and I am ashamed of myself for not being a more kind and generous person to someone who needed help. If I were to ever find myself in a situation like theirs, I would want someone to help me.

(picture from here)

Other things to mention:

1. The Boyfriend and I have been dating for TWO years today!

2. Yoga is amazing. My body felt so good yesterday after I completed my yoga video.

3. I am seriously craving an iced chai and any excuse not to work on my homework.

odd one out & awkward sunburn

I returned from my nice little vacation last night and before curling up in bed to watch one more episode of Gossip Girl, I checked my Facebook.

Perhaps you need a bit of back story here: After high school, I went away to a fabulous little school in Iowa and had the time of my life. I attended that school for 3 semesters before transferring for a variety of reasons. While I was there, I made some very good, close friends. Sure, we had our ups and downs, but we were solid friends. My leaving, however, changed that dramatically, and I haven't been having much luck staying in very close contact with them.

Last night, I found my news feed filled with status updates about their new apartments and pictures of how cool everything looked and of their first dinner living there together. This killed me.

We had always talked together about how cool our senior year would be when we finally moved into the campus apartments together. Now they are all there, living that dream together, and I'm here... without them.

This isn't me regretting my decision to transfer out. This isn't me saying I'd rather be there than here. I am saying that I miss them, and I'm sad I'm missing out. I am saying that I'm lonely without my close girl friends.

The Boyfriend stroked my hair as I cried my eyes out about this. I couldn't help but also feel envious of him and his BFF; even though his friend goes to school far away, they stay connected with an online video game that they play together and wear goofy headsets to talk to each other while they do so.

Moving on, my weekend was awesome. I got a ton of fresh air, ate lots of good food, rode the jet ski, and even tried to wakeboard. These water sports required me to wear a heater shirt so that I didn't freeze in the cool water. It covered my upper body and arms, so only the tops of my hands are awkwardly sunburned!

I did, however, realize on the 2 hour drive that my iPod is in serious need of being updated. The majority of the music I own is punk rock or other outdated late 90s crap. My music tastes have grown to like more coffee shop type music, like Meiko and Kate Nash.

Do you have any suggestions of artists I might like?

Plans for the Day: take photos of stuff for my upcoming etsy shop, do laundry, enjoy the beautiful day

Plans for Tomorrow: orientation at my new job

Personal Goal: learn how to make a female friend without feeling like I'm hitting on her

(picture from here)

lame, I tell you, lame.

I feel guilty for being so poor.

And when I feel bad about something,

my first instinct is to shop.

Buy something to make me feel better.

But I can't. I'm broke.

The Boyfriend has to pay the rent.

And so I feel guilty for his burden.

But I have no job.

School is making finding a job hard.

So I'm stuck.

In a rut.

And I cry about my guilt,

and about my inability to buy,

and about my depressing state.

I bury myself deeper in this hole

of self-loathing and pity.

It's sad, really.

I don't know where I want my life to go.

Hell, I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

And this state of being

so confused, lost, and sad

is just killing me.

So now what?

Eat ramen, hate school,

desperately seek job.

Lame, ain't it?

more and more lost

What's wrong with my life these days? It feels like I get punched in the gut, only to get back up and fall right back down again. Right about the time I feel like I'm finally getting my life in order, something happens and everything comes crashing down. Right now, I'm at a low point and I don't know how to get back up.

Do you ever feel this way? This all makes me think of the Friends theme song: "It may not be your week, your month or your year..." Ugh. I'm exhausted from all the frustration.

(photo from here)