yes, no, maybe so...

I've been on a rollercoaster ride the past few days, so let's take a moment to see what I mean...

Monday: Senior seminar class goes around the classroom introducing ourselves and saying what we plan to do after graduation. Concensus: no one has a friggin' clue what they will do, if they will be able to get a job, or even if they like their major anymore. People with internships admit to seeing a side of their career they didn't really think about before and now it's tainted. This leads me recognize that, yes, finding a job is going to be a bitch. Professor then talks about his journey to discovering he wanted to be an environmental writer. I start thinking that maybe I should go back to school for nutrition and do something with that and writing or advertising. Hmmm...

Tuesday: Wake up at 6am to get ready for the internship. It snowed and of course traffic was all jacked up so I was in the car for nearly an hour and a half to get to work. Work on a few projects left over from last week and finish them way before my "hand off" with my supervisor. Turn on my radio to help distract me so that my projects take me longer. Later in the day need to go out of my way to ask for more work so that I don't lose my mind. While dealing with my boredom, realize that the working world is totally not what I thought it'd be and can't imagine doing this five days a week. Freak out and start texting a friend about how I seriously don't want to graduate and get a job if it means I have to do this day in and day out.

Wednesday: Notice my shrinking bank account and freak out. Big time. So much for being able to afford the new laptop that I desperately need. Shit. Start adding in my head how much I'm spending in gas to get to my (unpaid) internship and school, then figure how much I will make by only working two days a week at my other job. Realize that the money I make will barely cover my gas. Freak out more. Start filling out an application for Wal-Mart and start thinking that I really need to graduate - and soon - so that I can start making real money. Exactly opposite from what I was hoping for on Tuesday. Jeez.

Yeah, I don't really know what to think about that either.

rashes and BIG presentation

Hey everyone,

Sorry that I've been terribly absent from my blog, but I've been having quite the month! With all of my classes coming to a close, I've had to wrap up assignments and work on lots of projects - I'm a busy bee! Aside from that, the Boyfriend and I are attempting to move, but it's been going quite slowly. Our schedules are hectic at the very least, so we've only had time to do a little here and there. We're attempting to be totally moved by the end of the week, but we'll have to see about that.

In other news, I'm currently FREAKING OUT. Today is a crazy, crazy day for me and I'm already hyped up on coffee. Volunteering, handing in paperwork (last minute, of course), working on another huge project, and the biggest presentation of my college career thus far. No pressure, right? Freaking out. I don't have my part nearly as memorized as I had hoped, but I have a decent amount of practice time today.

Remember that huge campaigns project I've been bitching about? Well, we're presenting it to a whole bunch of advertising/PR professionals today. Super scary! Although, this is going to be an awesome networking opportunity, but I'm so scared that I'm going to screw up and be the laughingstock of the entire Milwaukee Ad community. That would be terrible.

I tried on practically every nice outfit I had last night and had the Boyfriend narrow them down with me. I think I look pretty good. Well, except for the huge rash on my face! Yeah, what a day to wake up with a huge red blotch on the side of your face. Come ON! Anyway, it's off to my volunteer place now. I'll have to catch you all up later on whether I made a fool of myself or not.

Send happy, loving thoughts my way, please!

XOXO,

Olivia

crackberries and stupid sisters

So much to catch up on!

1. I have a Blackberry now! Although I probably should call it my Crackberry. Seriously. After much drama and arguing with my family as to whether we wanted to renew our contract, we did and I ended up with a fancy new phone. I am so addicted. I swear, I'm checking it every five seconds. It's totally my new thing, and I'm very proud to be a part of the Blackberry club.

2. My 17-year-old sister is driving me insane. I remember what it was like to be 17. I wasn't very well behaved. Ask The Boyfriend - he was even worse than I was! But it kills me to hear her tell stories about being drunk or to tell me what she's done with her little boyfriend lately. Seriously, I don't want to know. I don't want to know not only because it bug me, but I also don't want to be responsible when she does something really stupid like drives drunk.

I thought things were finally out of my hands when she came home the other night with beer on her breath. We always have to say goodnight to mom when we come home late for this exact purpose. She tried to cover for herself though, and said it was just the smell of it - she wasn't drinking, it was other people. This didn't fly for long, however, as she got in an argument with my mom about it the very next night. She refused to talk to my mom and demanded to talk with my father.

My father is an understanding man. He doesn't tend to overreact and he remembers what it was like to be young and dumb. However, I don't think he realized that what he told her wasn't interpreted quite the right way. See, he told her he knew there wasn't much he could do to stop her. She should be safe, however, and let him know where she's staying.

That'd be fine if he was telling a 20 year old that. Someone in college, more mature, responsible. But we're talking about my stupid, stuck up, immature 17-year-old sister. She interprets this as, "My dad says I can drink." No good, Dad. Know your audience! I haven't found the right moment to tell him this, but I plan to call him out on it. Sure, he's right to say she shouldn't drink and drive, but this wasn't his best parenting moment in my opinion.

3. Remember that big Campaigns project I was telling you all about? We got the books printed! They look like fancy magazines, filled with work produced with my blood, sweat and tears - and damn, it feels good! We didn't win the competition, but that doesn't really matter to me. I'm happy that now I have something awesome and tangible to show potential employers.

Speaking of potential employers, the internship hunt isn't going so well. Please cross your fingers that I can find something for the spring or I am kinda screwed. So yeah. Cross them fingers, people!

(crackberry found here)

Viral Marketing

So I've been talking a whole lot about this obnoxious campaigns class that has been taking up a ton of my time (not to mention that fact that it's made me ridiculously far behind in my other classes and I've even missed assignments...). Well, here is a little YouTube video that we created for some viral marketing. It's just a teeny-tiny part of the campaign, but I thought it would be fun for you to see what I've been working on lately.

Oh, and for those of you who don't know me in "real life," I'm the moron at the very end. Enjoy!

its about the simple things in life...

I have been one giant ball of stress this past week, and yesterday was exceptionally awful. My Campaigns class is proving to be a ton of work, and I've been doing an average of 10 hours of homework each week lately. I was dreaming about it last night and suddenly woke up at 3:45am freaking out about a little mistake I made. Cue the exhaustion.

Anyway, Joanna over at Smitten (one of my beloved Glamour blogs) wants everyone to stop and think about their 5 Simple Pleasures, and I think that now would be a good time for me take a moment to breathe and think about what makes me calm.

My 5 Simple Pleasures

1. Snuggling on the couch with a big blankie and watching a movie

2. Going for a walk

3. A nice, long, hot shower

4. Spooning!

5. Drinking a yummy chai tea latte

What are some of your simple pleasures?

breaking blogging rules

I know this probably falls under the category of things you aren't supposed to blog about because it can come back to bite you, but I need to get this off my chest.

I have this professor who I absolutely can not stand. We're creating a campaign for a competition that has been organized by a group outside of the school. Sounds like a ton of work but a great learning experience, right? Well, sort of.

A ton of work? Oh, yes. Am I learning anything? No, unless you count learning how to be stressed out and angry all the time. She hasn't lectured us a single time, led us in the completely wrong direction for our project (which meant tons of backtracking and extra work), and misses class more than any of us! She's a hypocrite and never has anything nice to say.

Oh, and her misleading us almost meant a lot of money out of our own pockets. I'm a poor college kid, I need all the money I have. I don't need to be throwing it away for no good reason.

Yesterday's class was no better. I spent hours beforehand working with my classmates on a video. We come to class, and she bitches about everything. If she had come to class on Monday, she would have known all the work we've been doing. Then she starts to nit-pick our work to pieces.

"I'm just your tour guide. I'm not going to spoon-feed you." This is just code for "I will not be responsible for any of the major mistakes I've made. I will not lecture or teach you." How crap is that? What am I paying her to do?

When I get angry, I'm not the very best at hiding it. In class Wednesday, she was talking to another student and I was playing with the detailing on the bottom of my shirt. She instantly freaked out and yelled at me for texting. Quite offended, I said, "No, actually, I'm just playing with my shirt. Don't you think I know better, especially in a class of nine students?" She didn't like that.

Prior to this incident, I had been speaking up about my differing opinion about how we had created some of our ads. She wanted to cut something that I thought was quite important. Eventually, we came to a compromise, but not before she said, "Olivia, you can argue with me all day if you want, but this is how it's going to be!"

I'm paying for this education and dammit, I want it to be a good one.

She sent me a very short email yesterday asking to meet with me, no excuses. I guess this has happened with another student in the class, and he told me that she's going to pull me into her office and one by one, tell me every little thing she thinks I'm doing wrong.

I'm going to have to take some Zanax or something before the meeting because I'm worried that all the stuff I've said now will come out. I know better than to ruin my grade over behaving badly, but I just want to scream in her face and tell her that I think she's an awful professor.

Any tips for how to hold it together in a stressful and angering situation???

when did we get this way?

The weather has been getting quite a bit chilly lately! Last night, the Boyfriend and I went to my little sister's Homecoming Powderpuff game and bonfire. Thank goodness for the huge bonfire, because I think I would have froze to death! I'm in denial, however, that its time to bust out the mittens just quite yet (although I do have a love affair with cozy mittens) so when I saw this dress, I knew it was the perfect thing for the summer-to-fall transition: it's edgy but fabulous!

(dress from Glamour.com)

Warning: I am about to vent a whole lot, so brace yourself.

1. Two nights ago, the BF and one of our mutual friends thought it would be a good idea to get me wasted since I don't really drink much these days. A bottle and a half of wine later, we suddenly somehow find ourselves discussing a recent argument between me and the BF. Our friend willingly played the role of the therapist as we re-argued everything. I ended up crying and smoking a cigarette outside with our friend as the BF sat inside and stewed angrily. I finished the second bottle of wine and followed it up with three shots of vodka before tucking myself into bed. We woke up the next morning and pretended like nothing happened.

When the hell did we become so dysfunctional?

2. The BF applied for a promotion at work recently, and we've been crossing our fingers that he'd get it. It'd be great for his career and we could really use the extra money these days. Except for seniority, we really thought he would be perfect for the position. He got a letter of denial today.

3. I have an appointment for a tattoo in a few days. It's with an amazing artist who I worked with before, and therefore I know that he will be very upset if I cancel last minute. The problem is, I don't know what I really want to get, and I really can't afford it either. Now what?

4. School is taking over my life. Well, one class in particular. We're doing that competition for GM and I swear, it's consuming me. Checking my Facebook isn't even fun anymore since my message inbox is filled with messages about this stupid class.

5. I am so irresponsible. I have to do volunteer work for one of my other classes, and I planned to meet with a teacher at an elementary school today to discuss what I'll be working on. Guess who forgot? Yup, me. Way to make a good first impression, right? I suck.

So there you have it. I'm cranky. Someone wanna buy that dress for me to make me feel better? :)

I'm not the domestic type...

After browsing etsy today, I was stunned (as usual) by the vast array of fabulous creations. And you know what insane thought came into my mind? I want to learn to sew.

If you know me at all, you know this is absolute crazy talk. I could hardly boil water a few years ago. I burn microwave popcorn right through the bag. I had to call my mommy to iron a pair of dress pants recently. I am not a domestic woman.

...But perhaps I will give it a whirl anyway!

Okay. Now back to business. I told my parents about my master plan of getting my fashion specialist certificate and then going back to finish my advertising degree. They didn't like that idea at all. For some reason they just don't get the fact that I need a break, and the fashion certificate could provide that. The Boyfriend somewhat agrees, saying that I'm already signed up for fall classes. Maybe I should consider the certificate for spring. Arg.

That boils down to the fact that I need to make some decisions really quickly if I'm still thinking of getting the certificate this fall. Hmm.

Oh, and one more thing: tonight the Boyfriend and I watched "The Soloist"... warning, this isn't the feel-good movie you think it is. Be prepared for some very real, hard stuff. Regardless, it's a very good movie. It'll make you appreciate things in a new light.

Tomorrow's Plans: Job interview, further investigation of this certificate thing, movie with the Boyfriend (we're thinking "Funny People")

First Sewing Project: a fun and flirty skirt - I've been really into those lately!

Current Craving: Twizzlers and Cherry Coke... gotta love the junk food!

(picture from here and here)

time to let it all out...

I need to get things off my chest. I want to talk about all this, but it's like my lips are sewn shut and if I don't say anything at all, I will never have to make any decisions.

I'm not good at making decisions. Not at all. But time keeps going on and I need to figure things out. I need to figure out what I want to do about my schooling. Yesterday I went over to my parent's house to do laundry and we talked about my education and what I want. School is so frustrating. Like, when I tell people that I'm majoring in advertising, they think I know something about marketing or business or graphic design. But I know none of that.

I'm majoring in Journalism & Mass Communication with an emphasis in Strategic Communication. What the hell does that even mean?!

I feel like this crap-education is going to lead me straight into grad school and that ain't happening. Maybe it's just because I'm tired of school, maybe not, but I think I'm losing interest in advertising. My heart is just not in it anymore.

So now what? Do I keep going so I have a bachelor's degree? My dad and the Boyfriend seem to think this is the answer. Although, the Boyfriend and I have yet to really talk about this. And my dad's philosophy seems to follow the lines of: "You may not love your job, you may just be able to tolerate it, but you make good money and use that to have fun with your life. Your job isn't about having fun."

Really? Do I have to live the kind of life where having a job can't be fun? Or am I still in a little kid mindset, thinking that I can be whatever I want and be happy forever? When you're a kid, your teachers get you to believe that when you grow up, its going to be this amazing adventure, like a fairy tale. But this isn't a fairy tale.

My mom surprised me by being very open minded. She asked me what the Boyfriend has to say about my confusion, and I told her that he said, "Well we both know its not my approval you're looking for." When my mom finally realized he meant her, she assured me in a surprisingly sweet way that it didn't matter what I chose to do.

We briefly discussed cosmetology school or an associates or certificate in fashion and retail from a tech school, but I can honestly tell you that I still have no idea what I want to do. I have no idea what is going to make me happy. I have no idea what is going to make all of this time and money I've spent on school worthwhile. What's the right answer? Can someone please just decide this for me?

(image from here)

lame, I tell you, lame.

I feel guilty for being so poor.

And when I feel bad about something,

my first instinct is to shop.

Buy something to make me feel better.

But I can't. I'm broke.

The Boyfriend has to pay the rent.

And so I feel guilty for his burden.

But I have no job.

School is making finding a job hard.

So I'm stuck.

In a rut.

And I cry about my guilt,

and about my inability to buy,

and about my depressing state.

I bury myself deeper in this hole

of self-loathing and pity.

It's sad, really.

I don't know where I want my life to go.

Hell, I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

And this state of being

so confused, lost, and sad

is just killing me.

So now what?

Eat ramen, hate school,

desperately seek job.

Lame, ain't it?

genius or idiot?

Please don't tell the Boyfriend that I've been staring at the computer screen for an insanely long amount of time today. Hey, I did the dishes. That was productive. Seriously though, if I don't get a job soon, I'm going to become some sort of lunatic. No good.

While staring into the glowy abyss of my computer screen, I had an interesting thought. And since I had nothing better to occupy my time, I pursued this interesting thought. What thought, you ask? This thought was of quitting my advertising degree and getting a certificate in fashion from a local tech school chain. Hmmm...

What did I discover? I could be a fashion specialist after one very intense semester of classes. Whoa. Cool, huh? Well, the only campus that offers the fashion specialist degree is, naturally, the farthest from where I live. I would have to go to this campus four days a week and attend a fifth class at the closest campus once a week. Sure, the 45 minute drive four days a week would seriously blow, but there is a chance I could ride the bus most of the way. I am not sure of this, however, because our transit system confuses the hell out of me.

Oh, and don't let me forget the fact that I'd have to also take 2 online classes. Yes, that brings us to a total of 7 classes worth 19 credits. That's definitely a lot, but its a challenge that I can't help but consider. Surprisingly, this class schedule is almost more appealing than my advertising one, since that schedule has me taking classes all afternoon, not leaving much time for a job. And we all know I need a job.

Was this a stroke of genius or a moment of boredom-driven insanity? Eh, I'm not so sure. Although its terribly tempting, I can't get the thought out of my head that I've gone to school for quite some time and built up a devastating amount of debt... can I really let that all go to waste over a certificate that might not be worth much of anything in the real world?

(cute kitty found here)

could that be a smile, perhaps?

So after sleeping in and stumbling around the apartment in nothing but my undies and one of the Boyfriend's big t-shirts, I sat down at the computer to go over my emails and browse blogs, as has been my usual morning routine.

And you know what I discovered (without the help of my no-good advisor)? I am done taking science classes! WOO HOO! It's not that I don't like science, I am kind of a nerd, but I am sooo sick and tired of the massive amounts of general education requirements I've been forced to take. So... YIPPEE!

In my excited mood, I then perused some blogs and stumbled across rockstar diaries and I thought it was delightful! First of all, I couldn't help but steal this quote from her:

Isn't that just fabulous? Also, she has this little happiness project going on where people write to her with the things that make them terribly happy. So since I'm feeling all bright and cheery today, I decided to do the same:

1. Freshly cut grass

2. Tiny dogs dressed up in tiny outfits

3. Kissies and snuggin'

4. Old people who sit in their garages and watch the traffic go by

5. Popsicles!

6. Making popcorn chicken and then rampaging the cupboards to find anything and everything we could possibly dip them in

7. Baby animals

8. Fresh flowers

9. Hearing songs on the radio that I haven't heard in forEVER (like "Extra Ordinary" by Better Than Ezra)

10. Thunderstorms

(doggie pic from here)

a day in her shoes

Can I be this girl? Please?

I wanna be cute and ride a bike with a basket around a big bustling city. And are those flowers in her basket? I want those, too. I want to be happy and carefree and friendly.

But right now, I'm stressed, broke, and cranky. I'm being mean to my boyfriend for no good reason. I'm tired all the time, and I'm so sick of looking for jobs online and finding nothing. I'm also tired of being scammed by "employers" who try to make me get a credit check or take a personality test which is nothing more than stupid pay-per-click ads or make me fill out applications which are nothing more than a way for them to steal my info. Ugh.

And since my fall class schedule recently changed to be majorly sucky, my job options are even more limited than before. I need a job, like, yesterday. I need money so my boyfriend doesn't feel obligated to work overtime since, uh, I can't really afford to help very much with rent. Or groceries. Or anything.

All I want to do is go out and get some coffee and shop til I drop! I'm very frustrated, as I'm sure you can tell. Sadly, the dishes aren't going to do themselves, so I'm just going to have to dream on about being the adorable girl in the picture.

Doesn't that look like fun though? Biking around a big city in the sunshine? :)

(picture of adorable girl found here)

pass the crayons please

As I somewhat described in my previous blog, I'm having thoughts about my future. It's like I'm back in kindergarden and my teacher is asking me, "Olivia, what do you want to be when you grow up?" I don't know what to say. (It may be interesting to note that I'm currently eating animal-shapes Easy Mac... maybe I belong back in kindergarden...)

When you're a kid, it's exciting to have infinite possibilities ahead of you. But now I'm 21 years old and feeling the crushing pressure to know right now what I'm going to want to do for the rest of my life. And when it comes to the question of what I want to do when I grow up, I'm not much wiser now than I was during the age of nap times and coloring books. Pass the crayons?

I've considered tons of professions: advertising, teaching, business, graphic design, nursing, fashion design, art, creative writing, journalism, nutrition, clinical laboratory science, cosmetology... but how can I be so sure that what I like now, I'm still going to like when I'm 45?

Heck, am I even going to like it by the time I get out of school? That's another fear I have: that I'm going to decide on something (as I've done with advertising), but then I'll hate it once I get out into the real world and actually do it. That's the crappy thing about school; you learn about something, but you don't actually learn what it's really like, day to day. What if I get stuck in a cubicle and want to rip my hair out because I can't think of a good slogan for tampons?

I'll never know if I don't try, that's for certain. So let's imagine I graduate with my advertising degree and work at an agency somewhere for a year or two and can't stand it? Do I spend more money going back to school for another degree? My student loans are already going to be terrible; could I even handle more debt? Probably not.

See? This is when the days of nap time and color pages sound sooo entirely awesome. Because everything was simple then. Dreaming of what you wanted to be when you grew up was an adventure, not a jail sentence.

(picture from here)

dreams. unrealistic?

Soo... I've been dreaming a bit today. I've got my head in the clouds, and I'm not quite sure I'm thinking too realistically. Or realistically at all, for that matter. I don't know when it all began, but I made up this idea in my head that I'd love to get involved with fashion, whether it be writing for a fashion magazine, fashion design, or something else. However, once this idea popped into my head, I was too far along in my college career to change my major and transfer schools for a major that was, well, pretty unrealistic. Because, seriously, how many girls from rural Wisconsin do you know that are involved in fashion? Yeah, I'm guessing not many. Regardless, I pushed that dream to the back of my mind, and that's pretty much where it's stayed.

I looked at the FIDM website today. I printed off an application, and I looked into creating a portfolio. Am I nuts? I know I'm going to finish my advertising degree at UWM before I do anything else, so I suppose I'm not totally nuts. But is dream too lofty for me? Am I setting my hopes on something that I really won't ever actually go for? Hmm... oh well, a girl can dream, right? The realistic plan, for now, is to finish my degree, save some money for a couple of years, and then go chasing whatever dreams I may have, which (hopefully) won't require another degree (realistically...).

I've said "realistic" so much that it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. Oh, boy.

(sketches from here)